Title: Tell me what it takes (to let you go)
Chapter: 1/2
Pairing: J2, Sandy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Jared makes a joke at Fangoria, Jensen gets upset, all hell breaks loose. Many thanks to electroclaire for the beta.
Disclaimer: This world exists only inside my head. Jared and Jensen belong to eachother themselves. I have no wish to cause any offence to anyone, I'm broke so don't sue me.



The soft lapping of a wet tongue against his neck stirred Jared from a most entertaining dream, involving Faith the vampire slayer and the hot blonde chick from America’s next top model having a rather enthusiastic cat fight over him which, for some obscure reason seemed to be set during a rainstorm.

“Mmmphh,” he moaned, turning closer to the attention, “mmmmm, that’s nice, yeah.... oh God that’s good ….. wait, that smells like... urgh, Sadie, get the hell off me!”

Wiping the line of doggy drool from his shoulder, he pushed the slobbering mutt off the bed and yawned, indulging in a full body stretch and wriggling his toes under the covers. Sadie barked once in annoyance at being shoved off her master so abruptly, then sniffed haughtily and padded downstairs towards the kitchen in search of breakfast.

“I’ll be down in a minute!” he called down to his waiting dogs as he shuffled sleepily to the bathroom, relieved himself then splashed some cold water on his face to wake himself up. He checked his watch with a grin…. Jensen would be arriving later, getting a domestic flight from his base in Dallas to San Antonio, and then catching a cab to Jared’s temporary home during the prolonged hiatus, where he’d be staying for a few days.

He couldn’t wait. It would be the first time they’d seen eachother since New Years and he was looking forward to catching up with his buddy and sharing stories about the Fangoria convention he’d attended the weekend before. Some of those fans were crazy. The majority were dedicated and fantastic, but yeah, some were definitely cuckoo for coco puffs. He laughed to himself as he remembered some of the questions he’d been asked. He’d definitely have to run a few of those gems past Jensen. He couldn’t wait to see his friend’s eyes widen at the old fanfiction question again. Somehow that always came up and he always tried to find an amusing way to answer it.

After feeding Sadie and Harley and then himself, he grabbed a quick shower and made a half-hearted attempt at tidying up the place. The way he figured it, Jensen knew him well enough by now and wasn’t going to freak over a dusty bookshelf or some clothes on the floor. He took the dogs for a long walk, talked to his Momma on the phone for an hour and then tried to watch some TV, but he couldn’t settle. Time seemed to drag so slowly and checking his watch every five minutes didn’t seem t help move it along any quicker.

Finally the doorbell rang, and Jared bounded over to answer, grin already fixed firmly in place. “Hey Jen!” he boomed as he answered the door, expecting to get a similar greeting in return.

Instead his friend stood on the doorstep, huddled deep into his black leather jacket with his arms folded tight across his body; his usually plump lips were held in a tight thin line, his usually sparkling green eyes were dark and clouded. His suitcase lay forgotten on the step behind him.

“Dude, what happened?” Jared gasped, his stomach dropping to the floor. Something must be seriously wrong for Jensen to look so upset. Why hadn’t he called him if something had happened?

Jensen didn’t speak, just pushed past Jared and into the house, straight into the living room and to the desk in the corner that Jared used as a study area. Without a word he opened Jared’s laptop, pressed a few buttons on the keyboard and after a minute or two of confused silence Jared heard his own voice fill the room.

”Of course I don’t kiss Jensen….. in public. No, I’m just kidding!”

Jensen slammed the lid of the laptop back down and looked at Jared expectantly.

“Dude, quit looking at me, I don’t know what the hell your problem is…..” Jared shrugged.

Jensen spoke slowly and quietly, as if he was choosing every word carefully. “Every convention. Every interview. You seem to think it’s funny to make some sort of joke like there’s something going on between us. You’ve seen the internet as much as I have, as if it’s not bad enough already you keep insisting on adding fuel to the fire every chance you get. It’s like some sort of fucking game to you. What is going on inside your head?” He tapped the side of his head for added emphasis.

Jared shook his own head, confused. “But Jen, we know that there’s nothing going on.” Why was Jensen so upset about this all of a sudden? It didn’t make any sense.

“It’s all a big joke isn’t it, Jared Padalecki oversharing with the fangirls as usual. Anything for a laugh, right? In Chicago you told them about the eyelash thing, even though you must have seen how uncomfortable it made me, then last night I get about a million messages telling me to check youtube and I find this. I mean, come on man.”

Jensen looked like he’d been punched in the stomach, like he was in physical pain. Jared took a step towards him, not quite sure why Jensen was having such a problem with this. It had only supposed to be a joke. They’d always been close; they’d never had a problem invading eachother’s personal space…. Although when he thought about it, it was usually him doing the invading, but still, Jensen had never seemed to mind.

“It was just…. something to say.” he shrugged, searching for the reason as to why he had said it in the first place. “You know what it’s like when you’re standing on stage and everyone’s staring at you, sometimes your mouth just goes into overdrive. So I made a joke about kissing you. So what if some people think it’s true, does it really matter?”
Jensen’s head snapped away so quickly that Jared swore it must have hurt. Unless…. It did matter to Jensen? Did Jensen have a problem with the thought of two guys making out or something?

“Dude…” Jared began, “Is that what this is about, are you freaked out in case people think you’re gay or something? Shit, I never thought you’d turn out to be homophobic.” He shook his head, more disappointed than he could even put into words. “If that’s the case, man, I don’t know if I can be cool with you,” he said honestly, holding his hands up in a defeated manner.

“Don’t be ridiculous, I’m not homophobic. How can you even think that?”

“Well, you’re not giving me much else to work with.”

“Look, I should just go.” Jensen said suddenly, trying to get through the door but finding the path blocked by 6ft 4 inches of Padalecki.

“And where are you going to go?” Jared asked. “Cab and plane ride between here and your place remember? So unless you want to make this the most expensive argument in history I suggest you start talking.”

“Please, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“No, you tell me the reason you don’t want me saying that stuff.” Jared pressed, holding on to Jensen’s arm, his grip tightening as Jensen tried to pull away. “There’s got to be something, if it’s got you acting like this.”

“Get off me!” Jensen struggled in Jared’s grasp, his face reddening with barely suppressed anger.

“Not until you tell me the truth!”

“You want to know the truth?” Jensen yelled. “OK, here’s your truth!” He grabbed the back of Jared’s head in his free hand and crushed their lips together for a few seconds, panting desperately against Jared’s mouth before pushing him away again. “You say all that shit about us and I have to listen to it, knowing that none of it is true, knowing that you’re going home to Sandy and I’m left with nothing and it’s killing me! I want it, Jared!”

Jared felt as if he’d been doused with ice water at the shock of Jensen’s admission. Of all the things his friend could have said, that was the last thing he could have imagined. But the kiss had provoked an entirely different reaction, he couldn’t ignore the jolt of electricity that shot straight to his groin the instant Jensen’s lips met his. It felt like every fibre of his body had been awoken in that moment and although his head was telling him to stop, his body was screaming at him to do it again, to get that feeling again.

“I’m sorry… that was….. a mistake.” Jensen stammered, his voice full of regret. He tried to take a step backwards, forgetting that Jared was still holding him by the arm. Jared pulled Jensen towards him once more and leaned down, his lips only an inch away from Jensen’s mouth.

“Yeah. A mistake.” he replied huskily before closing the gap, taking Jensen’s lower lip between his and suckling on the soft pink flesh. Jensen moaned and sank into him, his free hand snaking around Jared’s back and underneath the white t-shirt he was wearing, clawing desperately at the taut muscles shifting under the skin tanned there.

Jared felt like his senses were on overload, like he was suddenly hyper-aware of everything, of the way Jensen smelled, like sun-warmed leather and sandalwood soap, how he tasted like mint and strong coffee, how his touch seemed to set Jared alight like a million fireworks going off inside his belly. It was all assaulting his brain at once, stopping any chance of conscious thought getting through.

It seemed Jensen’s brain was still working, however. Jared felt his friend pull away, twisting his head so to deny Jared access to his lips. “Stop, no,” he mumbled, pushing against his chest with the palm of his hand, “we can’t. It’s not right.”

Jared sighed and finally let go of Jensen’s arm. Jensen scrubbed his hand over his eyes and cleared his throat loudly, leading to an awkward silence between them. He went over and sat on the couch, hanging his head so that Jared couldn’t see his face.

“You’re not that guy.” he said eventually by way of an explanation for stopping. “You don’t screw around, you don’t cheat on Sandy. You love her. You’re one of the good guys, Jared. And I’m not going to be the one who makes you mess that up. Hell, it’s one of the reasons I lo... like you so damn much.”

Jared shook his head, not sure what to think anymore. “You’re right,” he nodded, “What am I doing, I love Sandy.” Which was true, she meant a lot to him…. so why was he aching to touch Jensen again? His friend was right, he wasn’t the kind of guy to mess around on his girl. The fact that he’d even kissed Jensen in the first place was eating him up. But still, he knew he’d jump at the chance to kiss him again. Man, he was so screwed.

It wasn’t like he’d never thought about Jensen in that way, of course he had, hell there’d even been a couple of jerk-off sessions where Jensen’s face had flicked into his mind at the critical moment. You’d have to be a blind eunuch not to notice the guy was like a walking poster-boy for gorgeousness. Jared had always prided himself on the fact that was an open-minded guy who could appreciate hotness in whatever gender package it came in, but he’d never imagined that anything would ever actually happen between them… or that it would have this effect on him if it did. It felt like he was on fire.

“Maybe I should get out of your hair for a while.” Jensen offered, standing again and shoving his hands into his jacket pockets. “I don’t know, I’ll go for a walk or go get a beer or a coffee maybe. Then when I get back we can pretend this never happened, put it down to the madness of jet lag or something.”

“Jet lag? From Dallas to here?” Jared couldn’t help but smirk.

“Yeah.” Jensen grinned, knocking shoulders with him. “It’s a bitch.”

Jared ignored the urge to just grab the guy and kiss that grin right off those pretty lips. Instead he just walked Jensen to the front door, taking in the suitcase that had been abandoned on the steps and stashing it safely in the hallway. Then he watched the solitary figure walk down the street and disappear out of sight.

His stomach twisted and wrenched, like he was being eaten from the inside by maggots wriggling around deep in his gut. He’d pretty much cheated on his girlfriend, and he’d quite possibly just screwed up the best friendship he’d ever had. Because he was positive he didn’t want to pretend it never happened, he’d tasted the forbidden fruit, opened Pandora’s box and all those other ridiculous clichés that people use to justify doing something they know is wrong but they want anyway. And in that moment all he’d wanted to do was take Jensen Ackles to bed and forget the rest of the world existed.

Keeping secrets had never sat easy with Jared Padalecki. He had to tell his girlfriend what had just happened, there was no way he could keep this from her, he’d never be able to look her in the eye again if he didn’t. If the kiss had meant nothing then he could have shrugged it off without needing to upset her, but it hadn’t meant nothing, far from it. If Jensen hadn’t stopped them, he couldn’t be sure that he’d have been able to. With a sigh he sat down at the desk, picked up the telephone and hit the speed dial for Sandy’s cell.

She answered on the fourth ring. “Hey Sandy.” he said, trying to keep his voice normal.

“Hey baby, I didn’t expect to hear from you today, I thought you and Jensen would be hanging out already. Is he running late?” He could hear the smile in her voice, which just made him feel worse.

“That’s why I’m calling. We….ah, we kind of had an argument. He’s gone for a walk to clear his head. Listen Sandy, there’s something I need to tell you.” He twisted the cord of the phone between his fingers, trying to find the right words to explain.

“You guys had a fight?” she interrupted him. “That’s not like you two, are you OK? What did you fight about?”

“That’s the thing I need to tell you about.” he admitted, swallowing down the bile that had suddenly appeared at the back of his throat. “He…. well…. he kind of…. kissed me.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone for a few seconds before Sandy finally replied. “Oh. Right. Shit.” Her voice was flat, laced with annoyance but with no hint of surprise.

“You don’t exactly sound shocked.” He’d expected her to freak out, hit the roof, something.

“Jared…” she sighed, “a girl knows when someone has the hots for their boyfriend, and I’ve figured Jensen’s liked you for a long time. I’ll admit I never thought he was dumb enough to actually put the moves on you. God, you didn’t like, hit him or anything, did you?”

That’s when he realised that Sandy had gotten it completely mixed up. She thought that Jensen had come on to him and that’s why they’d fought, because Jared had turned him down. No wonder she hadn’t gotten mad. He swore under his breath and tried again. “No, Sandy, listen to me. We had a fight, and then he kissed me. And I.... I’m so sorry, but.... I kissed him back.”

The phone went dead, the dial tone pipping in his ear.

~~~

He hit redial immediately, pleading with Sandy to pick up the phone so he could just talk to her, try to explain. The phone rang and rang and just as he was on the verge of giving up, he heard that familiar voice again. “You’d better be calling me to tell me that was some sort of a sick joke, you jackass.”

“I’m so sorry, God, please believe me.” Jared begged. “I swear that’s all that happened, just a kiss.”

The only reply was her hitched breathing, like she was trying hard not to lose it.

“Sandy....”

“If you can tell me it meant nothing, then I’ll believe you and we can forget this ever happened.” she said finally.

Jared closed his eyes and rubbed at them with a thumb and forefinger. “Sandy, I want to be honest with you. You know I love you, but I think I’ve got feelings for him too.”

“I can’t believe you’re telling me this.” she hiccupped.

“I couldn’t lie to you.”

“You said it just went as far as a kiss, but did you want it to go any further? “she asked.

Jared squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. “Yes.” he said, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “I wanted to...” He couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“But you didn’t, because of me?”

Hating himself, Jared decided he had to be completely honest. “Yes... but it was Jensen that stopped it first.”

“Are you leaving me?”

“No! Of course not! I just.... I couldn’t not tell you about this. I don’t know what to do, I’m so confused.”

“You don’t know what to do?” she scoffed. “What the hell am I supposed to do now? Every time you touch me I’m going to wonder if you’re thinking about him, if you’re wondering what it’s like to touch him. I can’t spend my life questioning every time you’re alone with him. Look, just leave me alone for a while. I’ll call you.” Again the phone went dead without warning.

There was nothing Jared could do but wait for her to get in touch again. He debated calling Jensen to find out if his friend was OK, but he didn’t have a clue what to say to the guy. Instead he got up off the chair and went to lie on the couch, one arm slung over his eyes as if hiding himself from the world.

It took an hour before the phone rang again, its shrill trilling making him jump. He leapt off the couch and grabbed the handset. “Hello?”

“Don’t talk, just listen.” Sandy said. Her voice was thick and scratchy, she’d obviously been crying. “For the next 24 hours you’re a free man. You can do whatever the hell you want, I don’t want to know about it, I don’t even want to think about it. But when that time is up, you have to make a choice Jared. You have to choose between me and Jensen. And if you choose me, you’ve got to promise that you’ve never see him socially again. You can work together, but that’s it. I can’t bear the thought of the two of you being alone together. So, there you go. 24 hours Jared, then I’m getting a flight from LA and I’m coming to you and you make your choice.”

Jared ‘s mouth gaped open. “No way, you can’t expect me to....”

“You made your bed, Jared.” she cut him off. “Now you get to decide who sleeps in it.”

Jared replaced the handset shakily. How the hell had he managed to fuck his life up so royally? This had to be some sort of nightmare, there was no way this could actually be happening. He had to choose between his girlfriend and the best friend he’d ever had, it wasn’t possible. Lifting the phone again, he hit the button for Jensen’s cell, noticing for the first time that when he moved in he’d put the speed dials in order of his parents, Jensen and then Sandy. But that didn’t mean anything.... right?

“Hey, where are you?” he asked when Jensen finally answered.

“Starbucks.” came the reply. “Dude, I’m on my seventh caramelino, I’m totally wired, I’m pissing like a racehorse and the staff keep looking at me strange because I’m the only person who’s been here this long who doesn’t have a laptop and a ponytail.”

Jared chuckled into the phone despite himself. “Look, can you come back?”

“Yeah. OK. I’ll be there soon. Listen, about earlier....”

“Let’s not.... over the phone. I’ll see you later. Bye.” Jared sighed and hung up. This was going to be hard enough to explain without trying to do it with Jensen sitting in the middle of Starbucks.

He paced the floor until he heard the doorbell ring again. Jensen stepped into the hallway and shrugged out of his jacket, stretching to hang it up on one of the coat pegs. Jared tried not to look at the sliver of exposed skin between his jeans and his black T-shirt as Jensen reached up. He failed miserably.

“I called Sandy and told her what happened.” he said as he led them both back into the living room.

“But dude, nothing did happen!” Jensen gasped, his eyes wide. “You trying to screw up your relationship just because I can’t keep my feelings in check? There was no need to tell her that I kissed you.”

“Maybe not.” Jared agreed. “But I had to tell her that I kissed you. And that I wanted to do more than just kiss you. And that I still want to do more than just.... kiss.... you.” He reached out and ran his hand through Jensen’s hair. Jensen closed his eyes and inhaled sharply.

“So, you broke up?” he whispered, his voice cracking as Jared continued to caress him.

“No.... but she’s really pissed at me.” Jared continued. “She’s got this crazy idea that I have to choose between you.”

“Wait, what?” Jensen’s eyes snapped open and he took a step away from Jared.

“She says I’ve got 24 hours to be with you, and then I have to make a choice of who I want to be with. It sucks, I know, but it means we get to be together. I know it’s not ideal, but it’s all we’ve got to help me choose.”

“So I’m just supposed to drop my pants and be grateful for the opportunity? Bullshit, Jared. Bullshit. I want you, yeah, but not like that. Forget it. I like you and all, but I’m not that desperate.” Jensen shook his head in disbelief. “You go back to Sandy, grovel like hell for a while until she forgives you, we go back to being friends and after a while it’ll all go back to normal.”

Jared ran his hands through his own unruly hair. “I’m afraid it’s not as simple as that. If I choose Sandy, then that’s it for us.”

“What?”

“She doesn’t want me seeing you outside of anything work related, and we definitely can’t be alone together.” he explained.

“Fuck dude, are you 12? She can’t decide who you can and can’t see!”

“She can if I want to stay with her.” Jared said quietly.

“And do you?” Jensen asked.

Jared thought on the question for a while before answering. “I don’t know.” he said finally and honestly. “We have so much history and I do love her.....”

“Come on..” Jensen interrupted him as if not really wanting to hear the answer, “let’s take the dogs for a walk, get some fresh air. It’ll help you think clearer.”

They put the dogs on their leashes and took them to an enclosed area in the park where they could run free. There was no one else there at that time, so it was secluded and private. They sat on one of the park benches and smiled at Sadie and Harley as they chased eachother and barked happily, enjoying the freedom of a good run.

“She’s coming to see me tomorrow evening.” Jared finally broke the silence. “I have to tell her my decision then.”

“Perhaps if I stay and talk to her, explain that she can trust us and nothing’s going to happen, she might relent.” Jensen suggested. “Let us see eachother. As friends, I mean.”

Jared shook his head, picking at a loose thread on his jeans. “She was very clear. We can’t see eachother outside of work. Besides, do you really think if we keep hanging out that nothing’s going to happen?” He placed his hand on top of Jensen’s, squeezing it.

Jensen lifted Jared’s hand and clutched it to his mouth, almost desperately. “Dude, you know if this writer’s strike keeps going there’ll be no more episodes this season, and there’s a chance we mightn’t get picked up for a fourth season. We mightn’t work together again. So what, we’re just going to wave at eachother from across the room at industry parties?”

“Shit, I never thought of that.” Jared gasped, feeling slightly sick at the realisation. “You’re my best friend Jen. I can’t give you up. Even if it never becomes more than friendship, I can’t lose what we have.”

“This is all my fault.” Jensen sighed, obviously angry at himself. “If I hadn’t kissed you in the first place, none of this would ever have happened. I’m a certified idiot.”

“Nah,” Jared shrugged and ran his thumb along the curve of Jensen’s jaw, “I know I’m slow, but I would have figured it out eventually.” Leaning in, he moved the tips of his fingers under Jensen’s chin to tilt the other man’s head towards him. They kissed, long and slow and deep, their tongues dancing and kneading against eachother, the rasp of Jensen’s stubble across his skin making him shiver even though the evening was warm.

“Please...” he spoke against Jensen’s mouth, “I want you so much, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since you kissed me. Can we just forget everything else that’s going on, forget about tomorrow and just think about tonight, think about us? Can we just make the best of the time we’ve got?”

“I don’t know.” Jensen whispered. “I mean, there’s not just us to think about, there’s Sandy too....”

“This was her idea, remember?” Jared pushed. “No guilt, no repercussions... just us.”

“When it comes to sex, there’s no such thing as no repercussions Jay,” Jensen reminded him, “someone always ends up getting hurt.”

“I’m about to make the hardest decision of my life,” Jared said, letting his fingertips wander across the waistband of Jensen’s jeans, dipping below the fabric and pulling him closer. “But all I can think about is taking you home and kissing every inch of you until you’re begging for mercy.”

“OK, fuck. Yeah.” Jensen nodded, his green eyes almost black with desire, pupils blown wide. He kissed Jared again, his right hand trailing over Jared’s thigh, kneading small circles into the hard flesh there. “God, who’s bright idea was it to leave the house?”

Jared just grinned as he hopped off the table, taking Jensen's hand in his.


Part Two